Beloved On Earth

The great Raymond Carver in his ‘Late Fragment’ asks:

“And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on earth.”

I came across this again written in one of my notebooks. I was told by a teacher once to keep track of all the things you read and want to remember. Keep them close and keep them forever. I wish people worked the same way.

So many things get easier with time, losing people sure doesn’t. It is now and often that I go to my old notebooks and look at those words that I have been collecting and keeping and look for answers, answers to questions that don’t seem to really have any real answers.

There is something surreal about reading words from people that dead or alive feel so close to you even if you never met them. Surreal to is knowing some of these people, really knowing them and feeling known by them.

I have not been a stranger to death, death seemed to be around me and almost feel like a living thing as early as I could remember — as early as I could remember I would love and then, I would lose.

Recently, a few of my closest have been lost. One told me to write and since she has been gone I have found it so hard to do just that. All I could bring myself to write after she died was one line, I don’t even think I kept it. I think I wrote it down and crossed it out or ripped the page out and threw it away in disgust. No words could do it. Could do her justice. Do it justice. But she did tell me to write. I even picked up the phone to ask her what she thought of the line to remember, she won’t answer, because she is not here. She will never be here again. I still can’t bring myself to delete her out of my phone and don’t think I ever will. Why would I? Why should I? She is still alive to me. I guess that is defined as denial.

Last week another very loved one past, who also funnily enough told me to write and would always ask me: “What’s your first line?” I still don’t know and I wish I could call her up and ask her what she thinks of the many I have been writing and rewriting. She would tell me— now, she can’t. Neither of them can. All I can do right now is keep trying and keep writing and reading and looking through all those notebooks.

I think the line I ripped up was something about angels.

Today, I offer an answer to Carver’s question and the answer is not about me, but about these two women that I am missing, yes, they are beloved on earth and yes, I sure hope they got what they wanted from this life.